

i 



f OR Oill^iyOUNG 

11 11^ Eugene Field. 

limjmafedhf John C. Frohn. * 

HENRYA.DICKERMAN &SON, 
Publishers, B o sto 





Class _JP$16^ZL 
Book ^M^ 



GopyiightN^- 



\^0{ 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



Nonsense 

for 

Old 

and 

Young. 




Eugene Field* 



Nonsense 



FOR. 



Old and Young' 

By EUGENE FIELD 



Illustrattecl by 
JOHN C. FROHN 



BOSTON 

Henry A. DicKerman (Si San 

PUBI^ISHCRf 
MCMI 






THE LIBRARY OF 

CONGRESS, 
Two Copies Received 

iUN. 3 1901 

COPYRICMT ENTRY 

CLASS O^XXe. No. 
COPY B. 



Copy^ri^Ht 

1901, 

by 

Henry A. 

DicKerman 

^ Son.. 



A little nonsense 

no'vir Six&d tHei:\f 
Is relisHed by 

tlxe best o<^ men.,' 



^ Oliver 

>^ IVendell 

Holmes. 



A Foreword. 



BIN compiling this volume we have en- 
ig deavored to add pictorially to the amuse- 

iS^ ment in these funny conceits from Field's 
versatile brain. 

The majority of the sketches herein, appeared 
in the Denver Tribune^ under the title of The 
Tribune Primer^ with various sub-titles, begin- 
ning Monday, Oct. lo, 1881, and ending Monday, 
Dec. 19, of the same year. The entire number 
of these quips was about 162, of which 94 were 
first published in book form as The Tribune 
Primer^ in 1881. The balance, with the excep- 
tion of five which are- so local in their application 
that they have now lost some of their fine sar- 
castic humor, we here present for the first time 
with illustrations. 

In their original form the sketches were 
designated by Roman Numerals instead of titles 
and were made up of short sentences, with a 
liberal display of capital letters after the style 
of first lessons in reading for children. 

Th:e Pubi^ishkrs. 



Nonsense for Old <S1 Yotin^, 




One Atittixnxi NigKt. 



CALM, delightful autumn night; 
A moon's mysterious, misty light; 
A maiden at her window height, 
In proper robe of fleecy white. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



The little wicket gate ajar ; 

A lover tripping from afar, 

With tuneful voice and light guitar, 

To woo his radiant guiding star. 



The lute gave forth a plaintive twang- 
Oh, how that doting lover sang ! 
A bull-dog with invidious fang — 
A nip, a grip, and then a pang ! 



A maiden swooning in affright. 
A lover in a piteous plight, 
A canine quivering with delight ■ 
A wild, delirious autumn night ! 



Nonsense for Old and Young. ii 



A Portrait of a Lady. 



HIHRE we have a Lady. She was at a 
^^ Party last Night, and the 
^^^ Paper spoke of her as 
the Amiable and Accom- 
plished Wife of our Respected 
Fellow Citizen. Our Respected 
Fellow Citizen is now as Full as 
a Tick, and his Amiable and 
Accomplished Wife is" Walloping him with the 
Rolling Pin. The Lady seems to be more 
Accomplished than Amiable. 




IVould Yoti? 



I 



S this a Picture of an Actress ? No, it 
is a Picture of a Boodle 
Politician. Is it not Beau- 
tiful ? The left Eye is 
Closed. It must be Tired. He is 
Sitting on a Barrel. It must be a 
Barrel of Jam. Would you like 
to get your Little Hand into the 
Barrel? We Would. 




Nonsense for Old and Young. 




Good James and NatigKty R.egiiiald. 

OiNCK upon a Time there was a Bad boy 
whose Name was Reginald and there 

was a Good boy whose Name was James. 

Reginald would go Fishing when his 
Mamma told him Not to, and he Cut off the 
Cat's Tail with the Bread Knife one Day, and 
then told Mamma the Baby had Driven it in 
with the Rolling Pin, which was a Lie. James 
was always Obedient, and when his Mamma 
told him not to Help an old Blind Man across 
the street or Go into a Dark Room where the 
Boogies were, he always Did What She said. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 13 

That is why they Called him Good James. 
Well, by and by, along Came Christmas. 
Mamma said. You have been so Bad, my son 
Reginald, you will not Get any Presents from 
Santa Claus this Year ; but you, my Son James 
will get Oodles of Presents, because you have 
Been Good. Will you Believe it, Children, 
that Bad boy Reginald said he didn't Care a 
Darn and he Kicked three Feet of Veneering off 
the Piano just for Meanness. Poor James was 
so sorry for Reginald that he cried for Half an 
Hour after he Went to Bed that Night. Reginald 
lay wide Awake until he saw James was Asleep 
and then he Said if these people think they can 
Fool me, they are Mistaken. Just then Santa 
Claus came down the Chimney. He had lots of 
Pretty Toys in a Sack on his Back. Reginald 
shut his Eyes and Pretended to be Asleep. 
Then Santa Claus Said, Reginald is Bad and I 
will not Put any nice Things in his Stocking. 
But as for you, James, I will Fill your Stocking 
Plumb full of Toys, because You are Good. So 
Santa Claus went to Work and Put, Oh ! heaps 
and Heaps of Goodies in James' stocking but 
not a Sign of a Thing in Reginald's stocking. 
And then he Laughed to himself and Said, I 
guess Reginald will be Sorry to-morrow because 
he Was so Bad. As he said this he Crawled up 
the chimney and rode off in his Sleigh. Now 
you can Bet your Boots Reginald was no Spring 
Chicken. He just Got right Straight out of Bed 
and changed all those Toys and Truck from 



14 Nonsense for Old and Young. 

James' stocking into his own. Santa Claus will 
Have to Sit up all Night, said He, when he 
Expects to get away with my Baggage. The 
next morning James got out of Bed and when 
He had Said his Prayers he Limped over to his 
Stocking, licking his chops and Carrying his 
Head as High as a Bull going through a Brush 
Fence. But when he found there was Nothing 
in his stocking and that Reginald's Stocking was 
as Full as Papa Is when he comes home Late 
from the Office, he Sat down on the Floor and 
began to Wonder why on Earth he had Been 
such a Good boy. Reginald spent a Happy 
Christmas and James was very Miserable. After 
all. Children, it Pays to be Bad, so Long as you 
Combine Intellect with Crime. 



His Busy Day. 



HIS Man is very Busy. He is pushed 
for Time. He looks as if 
he had more on his Hands 
than he could accom- 
plish. We feel Sorry for him. 
He has an Important Engage- 
ment to Keep, and he is Hurry- 
ing up Matters to Meet it. He is to be Hung 
at Noon to-morrow. 




Nonsense for Old and Young. 



15 



TKe Joyful 'WHirligie'. 



It was 



HERB is a Sewing Machine. 
Made for little Children to 
play with. Put your Feet 
on the Treadles and Make 
the Wheels go round Fast. See 
how the Thread unwinds and the 
Needle bobs up and down ! This 
is Lots of Fun. Do not Deny baby 
the privilege of Putting his Fat little Finger 
under the Needle. It will Make pretty holes 
in the Finger and give Baby something to 
occupy his Attention for a Long time. 




H 



A Fairy Tale. 

ERE we have Papa's watch. There is 

a Fairy in the Watch. 

Would you Like to 
Hear her Sing? If 
you will Drop the Watch 
on the Floor, the Fairy in 
the Watch will Sing the 
Prettiest little Song you ever 
Heard and all the Wheels 
will Buzz just as Funny as can Be. When 
papa Comes home and finds the Fairy has been 
Singing, maybe he will Ask you to Step out 
into the Woodshed with him on a Matter of 
Business. 




i6 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




H 



An £pitapK« 

|KRK lies the body of Mary Ann 
Who rests in the bosom of Abraham. 

I It's all very nice for Mary Ann, 
But it's mighty tough on Abraham. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



17 



THe Hustler Hustling'- 



WjHAT is that I see ? That my Child, 
^^^^ is the News Interviewer, 
^^ and he is now Interview- 
ing a Man. But where 
is the Man ? I can see no Man. 
The Man, my Child is in his 
Mind. 




TKe Maid of Orleans. 




HIKRK is a Molasses jug. It is Full of 
^^ Molasses. How 
i^ffi many Flies are 
there in the Mo- 
lasses ? That is a Hard 
one to Answer. Those 

flies will lyook Proud spread out on Sister 
Lrucy's buckwheat Cakes in the Morning. But 
lyucy will not Care. She will pick them out of 
the Molasses with her Taper Fingers, and Wipe 
them on the Bottom of her Chair. But if her 
Beau were there she would Yell and say, Oh, 
how Horrid. The strength of a Woman's 
Stomach depends I^argely on the surroundings. 



i8 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



A%\ 




t=<^«T^^^ 


i 



Fancy vs. Fact. 

r m ywiABEIv is sitting at the Piano, and she is 
[^▼^i Singing a Song. The Song Says he is 
l^^^fl Waiting for Her in the Gloaming. 
Mabel appears to be giving herself Dead 
Away. He is Not Waiting for her In the 
Gloaming at all. He has just Drawn a bobtail 
Flush, and he is Wondering whether he had 
Better Pull out or stand in on a Bluff. Mabel 
would Touch a Responsive Chord in his Bosom 
if she were to Sing take Back the Hand which 
thou Gayest. 



T 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 19 



Society as Reported. 

HIS is a Recherche Affair. Recherche 

Affairs are sometimes 

Met with in Parlors 

and Ball Rooms but 
more Generally in the Soci- 
ety Department of News- 
papers. A Recherche Affair 
is an Affair where the Society 
Editor is invited to the Refreshment Table. 
When the Society Editor is told his Room is 
Better than his Company, the Affair is not 
Recherche. 



A Musical Oexiitis. 




WHO is the Man? The Man is Admiral 
__^__^ McEean and he is Get- 
^^M ting Ready to Sing. Can 
the Admiral Sing ? Those 
who have heard him Say he Can 
Not. Has he ever Sung a Song 
Through ? Nobody can Tell. 
Why can Nobody Tell? Be- 
cause every Body walks Away when he 
Begins for to Sing. 




Nonsense for Old and Young. 




TKe Nervy Drummer. 



I 



S this a Brass Foundry ? No, it is a 
Travelling Man. He carries big Trunks 
all over the Country and Makes Love to 
Dining room Girls. He has Been all 
Over and Under Europe and Taken in all the 
Great Masters. He has Scoured the Alps 
clean. He can Tell more Smutty Stories than 
a Politician, and he can get Bilin' slower on 
More lyiquor than any Government oflScial. 
The best Way to get along with the Travelling 
men is to get along Without them. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



21 



L>ti.i\akx* LfOre. 



A Satellite is 



THE Moon is a Satellite, 
a Sort of Associate 

Editor. It revolves 

around Somebody 
Else and gets full on Four 
Quarters. The Moon is a 
great Way from the Earth. 
It would Take a Street Car 
16,000,000,239 years to 
Make the Distance. A Snail could Make it in 
half that Time. Break a piece of Glass out of 
Mamma's mirror. Smoke it over the I^amp, and 
look at the Moon through it. 




THe Sen&tor. 



HiERE we have a Senator 
Proud Bird. He has 
S^^ been Renominated 
and he is Happy. 
And who is the Bird with 
the Senator? It is one of 
his constituents. Is he 
Happy? Yes, he too is 
Happy because the Senator 
is Happy. But not too Happy. 
Enough. 



is a 




Just Happy 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




A. Colonial Accident. 

HAJOR ANDRfi was a British officer. 
Benedict Arnold hired him for Four 
Dollars a day to go as Spy into the 
American Camp and hear the News. 
He carried important Papers in his Boots, and, 
upon being Arrested by the Americans, the 
Papers were found. Then they said they would 
hang him. He was sorry for what he had Done 
and Said he was going to Heaven. He fell with 
a Dull, Sickening Thud. They are going to 
Build a Monument to him, not because he did 
Wrong, but because he got Caught. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



23 




A Natural MistaKe. 

^S this an Ass? No, this is the Editor 
of a paper at Cen- 
tral City. Oh, what iffry^"^^/ ^ 
a Mistake ! No, my ^^W '^^^ /^ 

Child, the Mistake was a ^BLji..,s=ai«^,(' 3, 

Natural one. You would -^ ^ ^ /■>./ ^ 

not Insult an Ass, would 

you? 




I^tixninotis L-a^v. 



m 



S this a fire? No, it is not a fire. It 

is the Judge of the 

County Court. Why 

did you think it was a ^msniBL^?b 
fire ? Because it looked so Red. 
The Judge is a Nice Man. He 
writes Articles about the Gov- 
ernor. You must not Mistake 
Him for a Fire again. But you may Compare 
him with the Warm, Sensuous glow of a Nea- 
politan Sunset. 




Nonsense for Old and Young. 




"Oft in tKe 5tillx NigKt." 

I Y\ lABY and I in the weary night 
L'*'vJ Are taking a walk for his delight ; 
^rBBi I drowsily stumble o'er stool and chair 
And clasp the babe with grim despair, 

For he's got the colic 

And paregoric 
Don't seem to ease my squalling heir. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 25 



Baby and I in the morning gray 
Are griping and squalling and walking away — 
Tlie fire's gone out and I nearly freeze — 
There's a smell of peppermint on the breeze. 

Then Mamma wakes 

And baby takes 
And says, *' Now cook the breakfast, please." 



A Sad, iSstd Sto^y, 



^T^ HE young Man is Reading a Letter 
^ I and seems Deeply Agi- 

I^M\ tated. Maybe it is a 
Letter from his Sweet- 
Heart, and she has Given him 
the Grand Bounce. How his 
Breast Heaves and how his 
Heart must. Throb under his 
Celluloid Shirt Front. The Letter is from 
His Tailor. Let us not Invade the Secrecy 
of the poor Young man's Grief. 




26 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



FasKion Notes. 

I.IPPHRS should be worn High on 
Bad little Boys this 
Winter. 




Fashionable Corns are to be 
Trimmed with Steel-Blue Ra- 
zors this Season. 



Red Pepper worn on Hot Stoves continues 
to Create quite a Sensation in the Best Social 
Circles. 



TKe CKivsklrotis Editor. 



HIS is an Editorial Writer. He is 
Writing a Thoughtful 
Piece about the De- 
generacy of the Age. 

He talks about the good old 

Times when Men were Manly 

and Youthful Breasts were 

Pregnant with Chivalry. By 

and by he Will go Home and 

Lick his wife for not Cutting up enough Cord 

Wood for the kitchen Fire in the Morning, and 

he will Spit tobacco all over his daughter 

Esther's new silk Gown. 




Nonsense for Old and Young. 



tlsLSy MsttHemsitics. 

F you are good at addition, put down a 
column of figures, five figures in a row, 
and the sum will represent 
the age of Clara Louise 



I 




Kellogg. 

Suppose a man with a bottle 
of whiskey were to set down 
the bottle and carry the whiskey, what would 
the result be ? 

If one gallon of coal oil will blow up a kitchen 
stove, how much Kansas City gin is required to 
make a man feel like a barn afire ? 



If a Pueblo bed-bug can travel seventy rods 
in one hour, when there is nothing ahead to en- 
courage him, how many miles will he travel in 
ten minutes to meet a fat man from Cheyenne ? 



A Mean Man. 

CHICAGO Papa is so Mean he Wont 
let his Little Baby have 
More than One Measle "WS^^ ^ 
at a time. 




28 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




THe Office Toivel, 



I 



S this a Corner Lot ? No it is a Towel. 
It has been serving an Apprenticeship 
in a Printing Office for the past Four 
Years. The horses are Dragging it 
Away. A man will Take an Ax and Break the 
Towel into Pieces and Boil it for Soap Grease. 
Then he will sell the Towel for Tripe. If you 
find a Piece of Tripe with a Monogram in one 
Corner, you may Know it is the Towel. 



Nouseuse for Old and Young. 



29 



Scandal on Foot. 



W^^ HAT is that Walking along the Street ? 
^^^^^ That, my Son, is a State 
^^ Senator. Will you not Tell 

me all About it ? No, my / ; 
Son, you are too Young to hear 
Scandal. ^ 





TKe Old T. D. 

S it a Pipe ? Yes it is Papa's Pipe 

and it Has not been 

Cleaned out for Four 

months. It is full of 
Ashes and Spit. It would 
not Hurt the Pipe if you 
were to Take several good 
long Sucks at it. 




30 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




THe Awfu.1 Bugstboo. 

HERB was an awful Bugaboo 
Whose Byes were Red and Hair was 

Blue; 
His Teeth were Long and Sharp and 
white 
And he went Prowling 'round at Night. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 31 

A little Girl was Tucked in Bed, 
A pretty Night Cap on her Head ; 
Her Mamma heard her Pleading Say, 
*' Oh, do not Take the Lamp away ! " 



But Mamma took away the Lamp 
And oh, the Room was Dark and Damp ; 
The little Girl was Scared to Death — 
She did not Dare to Draw her Breath. 



And all at Once the Bugaboo 

Came Rattling down the Chimney Flue ; 

He Perched upon the little Bed 

And scratched the Girl until she bled. 



He drank the Blood and Scratched again 
The little Girl cried out in Vain — 
He picked Her up and Off he Flew — 
This Naughty, Naughty Bugaboo ! 



So, children, when in Bed to-night. 
Don't let them Take away the Light, 
Or else the Awful Bugaboo 
May come and Fly away with You ! 



32 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



THe National Debt. 



HERE we have a Greenbacker. 
seems Troubled about 

Something. He is 

Troubled about the Na- 
tional Debt. He is Grieving 
because the Country of his 
Nativity owes one Billion Dol- 
lars. The other Man around 
the Corner is a Grocery Man. He, too, is 
Troubled, but he is not Worrying about the 
National Debt. Oh, no. He is Worrying about 
the one Dollar and Forty cents the Greenbacker 
owes him. 




Johixxny's AlpHabet. 

STANDS for Apple, so hard and so 
Green — 
B stands for Boy who is 
going away — 



C stands for colic that Soon will be 
seen — 
D stands for Devil that's shortly to 
pay. 




Nonsense for Old and Young. 



33 



THANKSGIVING TALES 

For tHe Profit of tHe Ntirsery Bri^s&ae. 




Tale I — Prolog. 



TJHIS little Boy looks as if lie had On his 
^^^^ Father's clothes. Maybe he Has not 
^g^ had Anything to Kat for a Month. He 
is Sitting on a Stool. He is Waiting 
for Something. His hands are clasped over his 
Stomach. Can he be Waiting for his Thanks- 
giving Dinner? What a Queer little Boy to 
Wait so Patiently? If he were to Cry, he 
would get his Dinner Sooner, wouldn't he ? 



34 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




im 

mm 



Tale II — Succulent Soup. 

N the Tureen there are two Gallons of 
Soup and Eleven Cove oysters. Do not 
Be Afraid. The Soup is Pretty Hot, 
but it will not Burn you. If it is too 
Hot, you can Spit it out on the Carpet. Do 
you like Cove oysters ? They are Baby oysters 
Taken out of the Shell before they are Hatched. 
Some People dry them and use them for Gun 
Wads. They are ^much more Digestible than 
sole leather. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



35 




w 



Tale III — Tempting TtirHey. 

HAT a Big Fat Turkey it is ! It must 
have eaten lots of Worms and Caterpil- 
lars to be so Fat. It is stuffed with nice 
Stuffing made of Old Crusts and spoiled 



Biscuits. The Gravy looks Quite Tempting. 
It does not Look like Tobacco Juice, does it ? 
The Innards of the Turkey have been Chopped 
up and are in the Gravy. Unless the Cook was 
very Careful while Chopping up the Innards, 
there is a Piece of her Finger in the Gravy, too. 
Will you Try some of the Turkey? Take a 
Drum Stick, the Pope's Nose, a Side Bone, the 
Neck , some of the Breast and the Wishbone. 
If that is not Enough, ask Mamma please Can 
you have some More. 



36 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




Tale IV — Various Vegetables. 

HE vegetables smell good. Two or 
three of these Onions would make you 
Stronger. Suppose you Try some of 
the Turnip and Squash. Pickled Beets 
are also Good to Eat just before going to Bed. 
The mashed Potato is healthy when There are 
no Potato Bugs in it. They are very Plenty 
this Year. Will you put Some Jelly on Your 
Bread ? How Mad it would Make your Big sis- 
ter Jennie to Tip the Jelly over in her lap. 
Suppose you Try it as a Joke. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



^y 




Tale V — Venerable Venison, 



HlKRB we Have Some Venison. It may 
Taste a trifle Venerable for it has been 
WM banging Up in the Shed for Several 
Weeks. But Papa says it is not Fly 
Blown, and Everything Goes on Thanksgiving 
Day. Once the Venison was a little Deer and 
lived in the Mountains. A man Caught it and 
Hung it up on a Tree and cut its poor little 
Throat and let it Bleed to Death. What a Bad 
Man. Perhaps the Deer's baby deers are cry- 
ing for their Mamma who will Never come. 



38 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




Tale VI — Peptonic Ptxdding. 



THE Hired Girl is bringing on the Pud- 
ding and it is a Daisy. We mean the 
Pudding. It is full of Plums. Make 
Mamma give you a Big Piece of the 
Pudding with Ever so many Plums in it. If 
we Were you, we would Swallow the Plums 
whole and Then they will stay By You longer. 
When you have Eaten the Pudding, pick your 
little Dish up and Drink the Sauce. 



Nonsense fof Old and Young. 



39 




Tale VII — Paii\ffjil Pie. 



THERE are Three Kinds of Pie— Cocoa- 
, nut Pie, Lemon Pie and Mince Pie. 
laial They are the Only Kinds of Pie little 
children should Eat. You will do Well 
to Try them All. As much Pie as Possible 
under the circumstances would be Proper. 
The best way to Eat Pie is to Take it up in 
your Fingers. This is Liable to make Pretty 
little Spots on your Shirt Front. Do you sup- 
pose by Trying Hard you could Slip a Piece of 
the Lemon Pie into your Pocket to Eat after 
you go to Bed to-night. 



40 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




Tale VII — Fretfxxl Frxxit, 



OiH, what Beautiful fruit! Apples, 
^^ Oranges, Bananas, Grapes, Pears and 
^^ P'igs ! Make a Grab for them or you 
May not Get any. Good little children 
Kat grapes, skin and all. I wonder if the Figs 
have Worms in them. But never Mind : this is 
no Time for Questions. Your Mamma sa5^s 
Orange Juice will Stain your Frock, but it Will 
Not. What Fun it would be to Squirt some 
Orange Juice in the Dear Little Baby's Eyes ! 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



4T 




Tale IX — Innocent Ice Cream. 

HA, here Comes the Ice Cream. About 
two Plates apiece will be Enough for the 
Children. Ice Cream is Funny Stuff. 
You eat it and feel it in your Eye. 
When you have Eaten all you Want, you will 
Find it right Jolly to Pick the Ice Cream up in 
your Fingers and Paddle it Around in your 
Tumbler of Water. 



42 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




Tale X — Nutritious Nuts. 



HIE RE we Have the Nuts. They are good 
^^ for Children. Crack them with your 
S^ Teeth. Be sure to Drop the Shells on 
the Floor for the Cat to Eat. Do not 
Forget to put a Good Many in your Pocket for 
the Poor Little blind Girl who Lives around the 
Corner. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



43 




Tale XI — VITierd and MToful. 



TlHIS little Boy looks too Big for his 
_^___^ Clothes. He must have been Measured 
iZ^Sil when he Had the Ague. Mamma will 
Have to take off His Vest with a But- 
ton Hook to-night. What makes the Boy so 
pale ? He has his Hands gathered together over 
his Diaphragm. Is the Boy Sick ? The Boy 
is Sick. Maybe he has Swallowed something 
that does not Agree with Him. 



44 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




Tale XII— Bxiter tHe Diligent Doctor. 



WHO is the Man coming through the 
^______ Door ? He is the Doctor. This is the 

^M Worst Symptom of the Boy's Illness we 

have Seen yet. How can the Boy get 

Well now ? The Doctor asks Mamma how the 

Boy is. Mamma is crying. The Doctor says 

lie can Fix the Boy. 



Nousense for Old and Young. 




Tale XIII — Exit tHe Beatitiful Boy, 

HE Doctor has Fixed the Boy. 



46 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




H 



Tale XIV — I^pilos'. 

ERE we have a Cemetery. Can you see 
the Little grave Stone over there ? It 
is very Cute. There must be a Boy 
Planted somewhere Near it. Wouldn't 
you Like to be Planted under a Cute little Stone 
like That ? Unless you do Justice to your 
Dinner to-day you cannot Hope for such a 
Reward of Merit. 



M 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 47 



Beautiful Hortense. 

IISS Hortense is working a Beautiful 

Piece of Embroidery. It 
[(^^^) is a Motto in Green and 

Gold. It asks What is 
Home without a Mother. When 
Miss Hortense gets it Done, she 
will Give it to her Beau, who 
Tends a Dry Goods counter. You 
cannot see Miss Hortense's Mother. She is in 
the Back Yard doing the Week's Washing. 
By and by she will be Bringing in Coal for the 
Parlor Stove, because Miss Hortense's beau is 
Coming to-night. 




M 



A Toilet E^pisode. 

lAMMA'S Tooth-brush is on the Bureau. 

J Suppose we scrub /^^^^-^ 

l^gE^l out the Sink with CT''^^^^^^^^^ 

will wonder what she has ^^ftHWffillWJW" 
Eaten to give her such a 
Bad Breath. She will Think the Tooth-brush 
has been Sitting up with a Corpse. 



48 



Nousehse for Old and Young. 



A Terrible Monster. 



OIH, what an awful Sight ! It is the 
^^ Editor of the Colorado Springs 
JM 'Gazette, He has I.ong, White 
Teeth and there is Blood on 
his gums. He is a Bad Man and he "^j 
has just Eaten a Poor Little Baby. 
He is trying to get the Capital Re- 
moved. If he gets the Capital Removed, he 
will Eat a Poor I^ittle Baby every Day. You 
must Tell your Dear Papa not to vote to have 
the Capital Removed. 




Poor Pussy. 



HiERE we have a Dornick and a Cat. 
^^ The Cat is Approaching the 
JM Well. She thinks there is a 
Mouse there. Suppose we 
approach the well with the Dor- 
nick. There is no Mouse as we 
Can See. Perhaps the Mouse is 
at the Bottom of the Well. Let 
us Hitch the Dornick to the Cat 
and Put Them in the Well. Then the Cat will 
not Come back without the Mouse. 




Nonsense for Old and Young. 



49 



A FisK Story. 



^ IKE the Fish. The Fish is a Trout and 
\3 Breathes through his Ears. 
He lives in a Brook and May 
be if you try you can Catch 

him. Any little Boy who catches 

so many measles ought to be Able 

to Catch one little Fish. The 

Trout Weighs four Ounces, but 

you can say he weighs four Pounds. Do not 

call him a Speckled Beauty or you will be Shot. 

Eat him, Head, Tail, Inwards and All, and get 

a little Bone in your Throat if you Can. 




Be'ware. 

0>H, children you Must never chew 
J Tobacco — it is Awful ! 
B^jgy The Juice will Quickly make ^^ 

You sick, \r'v 

If once you get your Maw 
Full. 

— S.J. Tilden. 




50 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




THe Vigilant Cop. 

DiO not Make a Noise or you will Wake 
I the Policeman ! He is Sitting on the 
^BH Door Step asleep. It is very Hard on 
Him to Have to Sleep out of Doors these 
Cold Nights. There is a Bank being Robbed 
around the Corner and a Woman is being killed 
in the next Block. If the Policeman Waked 
up, he might Find it out and Arrest somebody. 
Some people Believe this is what Policemen are 
for, but the Policemen do not Think so. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



51 



SometHixig Doing. 





S this a Cemetery ? No, it is a Picture 

of Pueblo during the 

Busy Season. Do you 

see the Man Patting 
the Dog on the Back and 
Promising him a Bone if he 
will lie Down and Go to Sleep 
again ? This is What they 
Call an Intensely Exciting Sensation in Pueblo. 
The Earth is going to Live five hundred Million 
years Longer, and Pueblo expects to be the 
State Capital before the End of that Time. 
You will not Live to see it the Capital — or, at 
least, you ought to Hope Not. 



Poor Little Bexinie, 



BENNIE is Lying in the Cradle and he is 
^ Crying because Mam- 
I^M ma will not give him 
the Moon. What a 
Naughty Mamma not to Give 
her little Boy the Moon ! 
But Mamma does not care 
how much Bennie Cries. She 
has a Son, and the Moon can go to Thunder. 




52 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



Otir Motor Press. 



Sis this Not a Beautiful steam 
The Steam is Lying Down 
^^ on the Floor taking a Nap. 
He came from Africa and 
is Seventy years Old. The press 
Prints Papers. It can Print 
nine hundred papers an Hour. 
It takes One hour and Forty 
Minutes to Print the Edition of 
the Paper. The paper has a circulation of 
Thirty-seven Thousand. The Business Man- 
ager says So. 




Freedom Defined. 



WHY is this great and glorious country j 
^^^_ called America? Prin- 
^^^ cipally because that is 
its name. Can you 
bound it ? No, because it is 
a republic and will not be 
be bound. 




D 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 53 



A Political Object L>essoii. 

O you see that Candidate over There ! 



He is standing still. He is a 
Democratic Candidate. If he 
were a Republican he Would 
be Running. Democratic Candidates 
are not real Candidates. They can 
not Run. They do not even Walk. 
When you are very Tired and Want 
to rest you ought to Become a Democratic 
Candidate. 




Honesty on tHe R.tin, 



S' F a poor but honest voter chases a 
reformer four blocks in 
ten hours, how many 
blocks will he have to go 
to catch him? This depends al- 
together on the location of the 
Bank. 




54 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




TKe TrtitH A.l>otit tHe CHerry Tree. 

HO was George Washington ? He was 



W 



Mrs. Washington's little Boy. One Day 
he went out in the Orchard and got the 
Hired Man to chop down a cherry tree. 
**Who has done this Deed ? " asked George's 
mother that Very Afternoon. There was Blood 
in the Old Lady's Eye. In order not to get 
fired, the Hired Man gave George two marbles 
and a Top to say he Did it. " Mamma," said 
George, " I cannot Tell a Lie. I Done it with 
the Ax." Whereupon his Mother compli- 
mented him on his Truthfulness, but gave him 
One in the Neck for using Bad Grammar. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 55 



Ax\ Ode to a Cat. 

HUNGRYCat — 
A foolish Rat. 

A lively Run — 

Exciting Fun. 

Ferocious Jaws — 

Remorseless Claws. 
A d5dng Squeal — 
A hearty Meal. 




Alas, poor Rat ! 
O happy Cat ! 



LrOoK Out! Boog'ies! 



DID you ever see a Bugaboo? Ask 
Mamma to Blow out 
the Light to-night after 
you Go to Bed and Let 
you See a Bugaboo? It has 
a Big Voice like a Bear, and 
its Claws are as long as a 
Knife. It will Bite Good 
Little Children and Run off 
with them to the Cold Dark Woods where they 
can Never see Mamma any More. If you are 
Good, Beware of Bugaboos. 
LofC. 




56 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 




Hot Air vs. Cold 'Water. 



S^~1KE the Wind Mill. It is a Pretty Sight. 
^ It has Sails that go Round and Round 
^^' and Make a Noise like the Whirring of 
a bird's wings. The Wind Mill lyooks 
Sad. It has had Hard Luck. It used to be a 
Democratic politician and Furnish Enthusiasm 
for Arapahoe county Campaigns. But Wind 
will not Run a Campaign and so the Wind Mill 
lost its Job. And now it Stands out on a Bleak 
Prairie and Hauls water out of the Cold, hard 
Earth for a living. Any Kind of Honest Labor 
is awful rough on a Democrat, but Having Any- 
thing to Do with Water breaks him All Up. 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



57 



TKe "Worried Magnate. 



W 



HO is the old man I 
man is a Railroad 
Builder, and his 
brow is clouded. 

is his brow clouded ? 



see? The old 




Why 

It is clouded because this is 
Monday and he cannot build 
any railroad track. Why can 
he not build railroad track 
on Monday ? Because he is pious and remem- 
bers the Sabbath day to keep everybody he can 
hire wholly — busy. He only builds on Sun- 
day. This is the reason he is so much respected 
in saloons and other mercantile establishments. 



His Day of Rest. 



ID 



S this a Sunday ? Yes, it is a Sunday. 

How Peaceful and Quiet 

it is. But Who is the 

Man ! He does not Look 
Peaceful. He is a reporter and he 
is Swearing. What makes him 
Swear ? Because he has to Work 
on Sunday ? Oh, no ! He is 
Swearing because he has to Break the Fourth 
Commandment. It is a sad thing to be a 
Reporter. 




58 



Nonsense for Old and Young. 



TKe Foxy Compositor. 



HAS the Printer tobacco ? He has But 
he will not Tell you So. 
^^ He carries it in the Leg 
of his Boot and when he 
wants a Chew he Sneaks down 
in the Back Alley where Nobody 
can See him. When he Spits 
tobacco, it Sounds like a Duck 
diving in the Water. The prin- 
ter is a Queer man. He is a Fickle person. 
Sometimes he has Ten thousand Ems on the 
string, but they are Always his Dupes. If you 
are a Printer, Do not Be a Blacksmith or you 
will get Fired. 





*Tis sad — tHere's an 

end to all good 

tHings. 



Other Field Books. 



Eugene Field Book 

Field — DeKoven Song Book 

Holy Cross and Other Tales . 

House, The 

I^ittle Book of Profitable Tales 
Little Book of Western Verse 
lyove Affairs of Bibliomaniac 
Love-songs of Childhood 

Lullaby-land 

Second Book of Tales . 

Second Book of Verse . 

Sketch of Field, by Francis Wilson 

Songs and Other Verse . 

Songs of Childhood 

With Trumpet and Drum 

Life and Letters. S. Thompson . 

Echoes from Sabine Farm 

The Tribune Primer. Illustrated 

Sharps and Flats. 2 vol. 



$0.60 
2.00 

1.25 
1.25 

1.25 
1.25 
1.25 
1. 00 
1.50 

1-25 

1.25 
1.25 

1-25 
I. GO 
I. CO 
I. GO 
2.00 

2.50 



A *Sure Cure for the Qiues 

TKe Funniest.BooK ii\ Print. 



THE TRIBUNE 
1^ PRIMER 

By Eugene Field. 




It won't make 
a horse laugh 
because it wasn't 
written for 
horses: — but any 
person who can 
read this book 
through without 
laughing must 
have an impedi- 
ment in his 
smilax. 



New copyright 
edition; gilt 
edge, bound in 
art cloth, printed 
on Bengalore 
book paper from 
English type, 
illustrated with 
ninety-four of 
the most comical 
pen and] ink 
"skits" ever 
seen. Original 

poster cover in two colors, that will appeal to your 

bump of humor. Price 50 cents at your dealers, or of 

the publishers 

Henry A. DicKerman <5l Son 

SS FranKliA Street* Boston, Mass. 

N. B. — A handsome POSTER free with every copy. 






With origlnaliliustrationsbyJoHNCFkoHN 

BOSTON,NASd. 

HenryA.Dickerman&Son. 

PUBLISHERS I900. 



A SOFT IVORD 

FROM 
Robert J. Btirdette 

REGARDING 

""WKsit Happened to 'Wisgles^rortK " 

Abraham Ivincoln once said, " God must love plain 
people, because he made so many of them." Then 
humor must be heaven born, because it glorifies the 
commonplace. 

Mr. Fuller's humor has no need of the finger post of 
an introduction. His manner bears no stamp save that 
of his own personality. His characters introduce them- 
selves as old friends, who try to surprise us by thinly 
disguised voices, by the change of a beard, or the inno- 
cent assumption of ignorance of our identity. The 
people concerning whom Mr. Fuller writes in these 
chronicles, he would have us believe dwell in Maine. 
But I knew them in Illinois', you have them in New 
York ; they are your neighbors in California. We re- 
cognize them as old friends. Some busy years have 
separated us ; a multitude of cares have swarmed into 
our lives and driven them out of our thought, and 
grateful are we that this apostle of humor suddenly 
turns the limelight of his humor upon the stage of this 
old work-a-day world of ours, revealing the little groiip 
of actors to our gaze saying, "Did you ever see these 
people before ? " And our ready, happy looks of glad 
and instant recognition contradict our "No we never 
did" that goes with the extended hand of welcome 
greeting. Into his book, Mr. Fuller has put the laugh- 
ter of our own lives. Our highest and most grateful 
appreciation of what he has done, will be to take the 
laughter of his book into our own hearts. 

Robert J. Burdette. 

Cairo, Egypt, February 6, 1901. 



••"WHat Handsomely bound and il- 

Happened lustrated with several full 

to page drawings. It will 

"Wiggles-^vortH •• please everyone who likes 

By W. O. good innocent humor. 

Fuller, Jr. i2mo. Gilt Top. Price J5i. 50. 



HENRY A. DICKEB.MAN <5l SON, 

PUBLISHER.*. 
55 FranRlin Street, Boston. 



Doxxe xTt. 
types <5i pulled 
off tHe press 
of 

LrOtinsbery 
NicHols €t 
"WortH 
Company 
Boston 



< i-rt. 



901 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




012 072 295 5 



